You, Too, Can Be Terry Krepel

21 September 2009 — an Update to THIS COLUMN

As we've discussed previously in Stiletto, Terry Krepel is a somewhat... shall we say rationally challenged liberal blogger whose tiny tripod page serves as the virtual headquarters for his self-appointed "watchdog" function -- an alleged mandate that he takes very seriously in his "job" to "criticize the critics."  Pursuant to this weighty mandate, Terry monitors those nefarious conservatives -- among them, he seems to be most excited about Joseph Farah and WorldNetDaily, for whom I write a weekly column called Technocracy -- who dare to inflict their libertarian, conservative, and Republican -compatible opinions on readers of the Internet.

As it turns out, it's very easy to be Terry.  The ConWebBlog is a trainwreck from which I simply cannot turn away.  Almost every post is so easily shot down, refuted, knocked over, or otherwise pushed around that I feel like a sixth-grade bully on an elementary school playground. (Come to think of it, there's probably something to that comparison, as Terry Krepel exhibits a level of reasoning ability more appropriate to a small child than to an adult commentator.)

After shamelessly indulging my sense of masochistic horror by reading ConWebBlog repeatedly (no doubt causing Terry Krepel's hit count to surge, which I suppose cannot be helped), I came to the conclusion that there's a very simple formula to being Terry.  You, too, can be Terry Krepel, and we're going to show you how.  Simply follow the seven guidelines herein and your posts will be indistinguishable from Terry's. Ready? Let's begin.

1. Use the word "Tout."  Use it a lot.

A perusal of Terry's blog produced the following list.  Judge for yourself. On the first page alone of ConWebBlog on 22 September, a scan for the word "tout" produced the following quotes and headlines written by Terry Krepel:

Clearly, touting is very, very important to Terry Krepel.  You cannot expect to be Terry Krepel unless you use the word "tout" as frequently as possible.

2. Use the word "whitewash."  Use it a lot.

In a similar vein, Terry uses the word "whitewash" constantly.  This is somehow significant in the way that what you see in a Rorschach test is significant, but I'm not sure what that really means.  It may mean that Terry's mother did not hug him enough.  I don't know.  I'll spare you the list.  A casual reading of a few pages of the ConWebBlog will suffice to substantiate this point.

3. Use the word "lie."  Use it a lot.

Allow me to paraphrase Terry Krepel's blog:

Conservatives lie. Republicans lie. Everyone at WorldNetDaily lies. The people who write for NewsMax are lying.  Libertarians are liars. Everyone who voted for George W. Bush is a liar. Everyone who didn't vote for Barack Obama is a liar. Anyone who criticizes President Obama is lying. Oh, and they're all racists. All those liars are also racists. But more importantly, they're liars. Everyone who has ever disagreed with me, Terry Krepel, is a liar.  Lie, lie, lie, lie, lie.  Lie, lie-ty-lie, lie-diddly-lie. Liar. Pants on fiar. Lie. You lie. Everyone who isn't me lies. You're all liars. And racists. But mostly liars. Conservatives lie. Lie.

There.  Refer to Rule 4.

4. Whenever you disagree with an opinion, call it a lie, even if there's nothing to substantiate this claim. Refer to Rule 3.

In Terry Krepel's irrational universe, any opinion with which he disagrees is automatically a lie.  It doesn't matter if there's nothing to substantiate falsehood on the part of the person at whom Terry is pointing an accusing figure.  No, the mere act of disagreeing with Terry is prima facie evidence of a lie.  We talked about this in this column.

5. Feign outrage.  If you cannot address an opinion, seize on an irrelevant passage used for emphasis, and pretend to find it strange or upsetting.

On Friday, September 18, Terry Krepel titled one of his blog posts, "Erik Rush Discovers Gay Sex."  He quotes a passage from one of Mr. Rush's columns in which Rush says, "Apparently, shouting at the president is objectionable, but his collectively sodomizing the American people in perpetuity is acceptable as long as it is done with a sense of decorum."  Terry further objects to a previous Rush column in which Erik says, "Indeed -- like the proverbial cellblock rapist, our president is 'ramming' as much of his Marxist agenda down our collective throats as quickly as he can."  

This, according to Terry, is an outrage, and a homophobic outrage at that, for Mr. Rush clearly has an obsession with gay sex acts.  It could not possibly be that the idea of your goverment "screwing you" is a common turn of phrase in popular culture; it could not ever be the case that Erik Rush thinks we are being force-fed Marxism by the president and he is using colorful language to make that point graphically.  No, in Terry Krepel's outraged eyes, it must be that Erik Rush has only just 'discovered' gay sex.

Now, using Terry Krepel's often incorrectly employed "logic," Terry Krepel is a racist and a homophobe.  This is because Erik Rush is black, and any criticism of a black man or woman, an organization that employs black men and women, or a president who happens to be black is always racism, at least according to Terry Krepel himself.

But... wait.  There's more.  It seems that the title of one of Terry Krepel's most recent entries should actually read...

Terry Krepel Discovers Oral Sex

...because, it would seem, it is okay to use colorful language for graphic emphasis when your targets are those eeeevil conservatives.  Terry Krepel makes no attempt to hide his hypocrisy when he posts the following article, apparently objecting to a positive commentary on Michael Alan "Savage" Weiner:

I mean, not to put too indelicate a point on it, but "fluffing" is the practice of ...er... preparing the actors in porn movies for their scenes, and of course Mr. Washington's alleged (and hopefully metaphorical) fellating of Mr. Weiner is the act of oral sex.  Exactly how is this different than using the metaphorical language that Erik Rush did in the column Terry Krepel found so horribly, horribly objectionable?  

The answer is, it isn't.  It isn't different at all.  Terry Krepel is just a hypocrite.  In the world of Terry Krepel, you see, all pornographic metaphors are equal, but some pornographic metaphors are more equal than others.

6. Be blissfully unaware of sarcasm, metaphor, and idiom.  Take everything literally, then claim it's a lie. Refer to Rule 3.

This brings us back to Rule 5, but Terry employs this method so much it deserves to be heard again.

7. Refer to Rule 3, because conservatives lie.  Did we mention that conservatives lie? Because conservatives lie.

By following these simple guidelines, you, too, can be Terry Krepel.  It isn't that hard.  It really isn't that hard at all.

It just isn't terribly pleasant, is all. >>

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