12 June, 2009
I was accused, not long ago, of being an angry person. Of being cold and unfeeling. Of being paranoid. Of expressing myself in a deranged, even dangerous manner, shouting my opinions at the world, railing against imagined injustices while frothing at the mouth in apoplectic, impotent fury over straw-man liberals who don't exist as I have described them. I was told that the picture I paint of myself is nothing like the person I once was, and that even the quality of my writing has suffered accordingly. Where once I wrote humorous columns about getting trapped in vending machines and fearing the incursions of melanistic squirrels, I now write dire, dour, dastardly screeds, the anguished rantings of a fat man sitting in his mother's basement, hoping that President Obama will read his blog and be Properly Shamed.
Worse, I was accused of having no intellectual curiosity -- of being unwilling to debate and discuss issues with an open mind. I was told that I brook no opposing opinions, that I can abide no disagreement. My mind is closed, my opinions written in granite.
I was, in short, told that I am unhappy.
Well, I don't see it that way, and I sure hope you don't. If you're offended by my opinions or, more importantly, the way I express those opinions, I'd like to explain to you what I do, and why. I'd like to help you understand because I want you to see me as a person. I'm not an algorithm whose purpose is to generate controversy and disdain. I'm not a right-wing hack or a conservative nutjob. I don't state opinions simply to make you angry. I don't advocate anything other than reasoned responsibility among adults in a free society -- and that free society, as I see it, should be one built under the rule of law, not anarchy. I'm not crazy. I'm not dangerous. I'm not unstable. I am, in fact, the most stable person you know.
I love to discuss issues. I love to mull over intellectual problems and moral dilemmas. I love to debate those with whom I disagree, yes, but I also love to understand them, to listen to them, to see the world through their eyes. I'm tough, but I'm fair. I'm opinionated, but I know I'm not perfect. I'm firm in my convictions, but I can be persuaded. I'm not unreasonable. I'm not irrational.
I like to be logical, but I'm not some bizarre Vulcan. I express my feelings. I am emotional, even melodramatic. I try to be affectionate and supportive to my loved ones. I try to listen to their needs and respond to them. I'm interested. I'm engaged. I'm concerned.
And I'm happy.
Now, that doesn't mean I don't grapple with issues in my life, as we all do. That doesn't mean I don't deal with very difficult things. My brother once said that we all spend some time in our lives "walking to Taco Bell." He was referring to a time during his younger days when he lived at the poverty level while working at a fast food restaurant. He walked from his home, which ws in a very bad neighborhood, to his job at Taco Bell some distance away. He had no car and could not afford one. He was barely getting by... but he did get by. He walked through rain. He walked through snow. He walked through blizzards. There were days, though, that he also walked through beautiful weather, when he enjoyed the sun and reflected on how much weight he'd lost, how much health he'd gained. There were days that he said to himself, "Today is a good day to be walking to Taco Bell."
He gained more than health. He gained wisdom. Each of us spends some time in our lives walking to Taco Bell -- but we get by, and we get through it. We go on to do better. We go on to be happy.
While I take my writing very seriously, and I often write about serious socio-political issues, I am, generally speaking, a happy and cheerful person. I might even, one day, indulge my distant yearning to be a stand-up comedian. I love to make people laugh. I chat with coworkers and friends and I try to help them see the humor in daily life. I like people. I like meeting people. I have many friends, and they are not merely superficial; we respect each other and we value each other.
I have a family. I love them very much. Most of the time I don't write about them, but this is not because I am not always thinking of them. Rather, it is because, in the often ugly world of politics and day-to-day reality, I don't wish to insert them. I don't wish to subject them to these harsh realities. I would rather keep them, selfishly and lovingly, for me. I try to let them know how I feel. I don't always succeed. I am not perfect. But I am happy, at least in general. I take the dark times, the walking-to-Taco-Bell times, very hard, and I take them personally. I go through terribly black moods. I know great sadness. But in terms of life, in terms of living, I am happy.
I love what I do. I love writing. I take it seriously because I see it as important. I do not, though, take myself nearly as seriously as you might think from reading what I write. I can see my flaws. I can see my foibles. I can see the things I do that make me feel, and look, silly. I don't mind those things.
The most important thing in life, day to day, is to know joy. It is to seek peace and happiness. It is to fulfill your responsibilities, repay your debts, forgive your debtors, and strive to build an existence on which you can later look back with contentment and pride. This task never ends. It's an ongoing process. We're all at different points on that timeline, and some of us will slip, and slip hard. We go on because there is no alternative; we have hope because there is no reason not to have it. We have joy because, if we really think about it, we know that we are all lucky to be alive and to be able to enjoy the real. There are serious issues with which we all must contend... but knowing this, and saying this, and even shouting this, does not mean we do not know joy. Quite to the contrary, it means that we see the very stark contrast between our joy and the things we decry.
There is no happiness without sadness. This is not a factor of yin and yang, of balance. It is not even a matter of responsibility. It is simply the way things are; it is the metaphysically given. Only by knowing the difference between the two can we recognize the character and tenor of both.
Do you know joy? You should. Please try.
I'm not happy right now. I know sadness. But just as I know sadness, I also know that, if I continue working, fighting, walking, striving, building, and doing, I will know joy again. I will bring joy to those I love. I will share joy with those I respect. This is the hope of, and the challenge to, all of us, every day. >>